“According to my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death. For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” Philippians 1:20.
I have always thought of myself as a bold person. One who is not afraid to tackle the world and attempt the impossible. The reality is, that’s not me. I am bold, but I’m also afraid at times to step out on a limb. I’m afraid to truly follow God’s calling on my life because I’m afraid the limb I step out on might break. I tell myself, that I fully trust God and His plans for my life and my family, but sometimes I question, “is this my desire or God’s leading?”
When I was reading Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, I was reflecting on his words, “But before we choose to follow God’s will, a crisis must develop in our lives. This happens because we tend to be unresponsive to God’s gentler nudges.” I often joke about how God has to slap me upside the head before I’m able to really hear what He is saying.
The end of the year always gets my mind thinking about my life. Where I was a year ago? What has changed this year? How have I grown? Am I becoming the person I want to be? The person God has called me to be? I often wonder if I’m walking in God’s plan for my life and question if I’m making the most of where I am. I wish I was better at living in the present, but honestly I’m not. I’m a dreamer and a planner, and I think ahead to what the future will look like.
I have shared before that my ministry is with hospice care. While I love this ministry, I desire so much more. I long to find my niche in ministry where I feel like I am truly thriving in God’s plan for my life. Sometimes I’m afraid I won’t see it, because I know God nudges me in small ways. But this passage from Philippians reminds me to be bold, because even if I miss God’s gentle nudges, He will get my attention.
Whether God communicates in the gentle nudges or the big crisis, I know it’s a struggle to let go of my desire to control my circumstances, and allow God to navigate me through the waters. I may not recognize God’s gentle movements, but eventually I will recognize the ways He has constantly been at work in my life. I desire to step out on that limb, and not fear that my branch will break. Bird on a flowering tree branch